Liversidge, Gordon
From BFCTokyo
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[edit] BioHow does one become a true 'Shoddy Body'? 
It wasn't an easy birth. Young Gordon astounded both parents & doctors alike, emerging from the womb with a BFC shirt encircling a beer gut & shouting 'Oi! Who turned the ******* lights on?' His childhood was shrouded in mystery & rumour - some say he was a boy genius, highly strung, petulant, but quite good in the air for his weight. Others that his formative years were spent at a variety of schools, all of them approved, where he learned self abuse and mastered the long ball sliced into touch. Only Gordon himself knows the truth, and he's probably forgotten it. Next up : our hero scores for the first time in 'Liversludge: the Puberty Years'.  The Gordon Liversludge Story : Part 2. Puberty came as something of a shock to Gordon, arriving as it did at 9.30 on the eve of his 17th birthday. He was just in the middle of polishing his 'George Best Stylo Matchmakers' when he suddenly experienced an irresistable urge to ravish Mrs Hobnail, the local postmistress. For the first time in his life he was torn between two seemingly contradictory loyalties - Selhurst Park and the temptations of the sub-Post Office. Fanny Hobnail decided not to press charges - indeed for a while there was even the possibility of an extended romance between the tousle-haired midfielder and the 37 year-old widow and mother of three. However, Gordon had set his sights on a University education (as a way of avoiding gainful employment) and so the relationship withered. Had it not, the world may well have been denied one of the most outstanding sub post- mistresses of this century. Stay tuned for Part 3, in which Gordon discovers 'knowledge'........  The Gordon Liversludge Story : Part 3 It is unclear exactly what Gordon studied at University, apart from his navel. His preoccupations seemed to be with self abuse and, in his final year, the sweeper system. He broke his own arm with a mallet just before his finals but contrary to the assumptions of the Faculty, this was not an attempt at exam dodging, rather a pathetic attempt to emulate Franz Beckenbaur's performance in the 1970 World Cup. Regarding romance, Gordon had brief encounters with the Rugby Club mascot (a balding but very open minded cocker spaniel) and the women's judo team before graduating with a degree in telling long winded stories of vague origin. Next: Liversludge's Travels....
 The Gordon Liversludge Story : Part 4 As with a great deal of the man's existence, Gordon's exact whereabouts in the years preceding his arrival in Japan are shrouded in mystery. Commentators have conveniently dubbed these "the lost years" - a rather unsatisfactory way of saying that nobody knows where he was or what he was doing. However, it can now be revealed that Gordon spent two and a half years in an Istanbul prison as a result of a fake condom-smuggling charge. During this time he managed the prison football team, who subsequently beat Wandsworth 5-4 in a thrilling European Jailbird Cup semi-final. It is also a little known fact that a film, entitled 'Midnight Excess' was made from our hero's story, but unfortunately the negative was stolen from the chemists, revamped and released under another name. Disgusted with the unsuccessful court battle, Gordon burped, farted and set sail for Japan to begin anew. Japan was chosen for several reasons. Firstly, it guaranteed the kind of anonymity needed by a man with a shady (or colourful, depending on your viewpoint) past. Secondly, the prospect of geishas and sake (not necessarily in that order) appealed to Gordon's sense of recreation. In addition, enka had always held a strange, unfathomable attraction for this tone-deaf central defender. Comming up ; Gordon discovers the land of the rising sun  The Gordon Liversludge Story : Part 5. Gordon was not always the fluent and lucid commentator on Japan and the Japanese that he is today (stop taking the piss.Ed.) In fact, he wasn't even sure where Japan was until he landed at Yokohama during the early Meiji Era. It is (falsely) believed that Gordon met Commodore Perry - the truth is that he met Fred Perry, but this was as a child and he can't remember anything about the (apparently rather perverse) encounter. Our hero quickly decided that there were two things wrong with the country he had chosen to escape the demands of middle class suburban death by progressive boredom (and forget that painful night at Scratchwood Service Station with those three Scientologists); the first was the low level of spoken English and the second the low profile of the world game. Thus, Gordon's course was set - his life suddenly acquired meaning and his future looked assured for the first time since birth. A little shocked by this sudden development, Gordon went and got absolutely shit-faced drunk, an activity which was to become the hallmark of the man in later years. Watch for the next episode, in which Gordon tries to sell his body on the streets of Tokyo.... The Gordon Liversludge Story : Part 6 The Gordon Liversludge of today cuts an imposing figure in the world of language teaching and applied linguistics. However, this hasn't always been the case - the seasoned academic who now so amply fills his Milo-green B.F.C. shirt is a far cry from the wide-eyed youth who started out in Tokyo so many moons ago. Gordon has, as they say, paid his dues. Before finding his first EFL job he worked at Berlitz, but his main source of income came from the water trade. In Shinjuku 3-chome he sold his body to American servicemen, waited tables in a bondage cafe & performed in a transvestite strip joint. It was here that he got his first big break, through a chance meeting with the Director of the British Council, who (for a fee) put put him in touch with a couple of language schools. Thus Gordon discovered his true gift - the ability to make the fairly straightforward task of teaching the present simple so mind-bogglingly complex as to guarantee him employment for life - possibly longer. In the next installment, Gordon discovers that the blend of Japanese women and sake can have unexpected results. Written by Andy Hoodith in 1993 for 'Alive and Kicking' the BFC fanzine |
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