It started with Dan’s boots being only the third most luminous pair on view. A feat never before seen in feet. Masa and Muzzy scared The Living Daylights out of us with their pukely orange contraptions.

Vags arrived far from sure of a victory against a tough and much improved Embassy, the same Embassy who had turned us over 4-0 in the first meeting of the season I might add, but won’t because it was painful. A win was, of course, the aim but the most important thing was to battle and do ourselves justice, which was certainly not the case at the prior, not to be mentioned here at all, meeting.

This aim was duly delivered from the off and after 7 minutes 52 seconds there was some good work by Lyndsey and Dan which caused havoc in the opposition area and when the ball came across to the Man With the Golden Gun, Cockerill, he dispatched with aplomb – or maybe apeach.

Richard screamed a couple of times early on at perceived injustice from the line – but Orlando said Dr No and Steve also sent a Moonraker which dropped left of the keeper’s left hand post – otherwise it would have been a goal.

Wayne and Lyndsey both tried a Thunderball but high wide and not very handsome at all. At half time it was mentioned that You Only Live Twice and so this kind of effort wasn’t attempted again in the second half.

Dan was given a Licence to Kill and had a 45% x 2 with one on ones. Missed both but should take a Quantum of Solace from forcing saves, albeit fairly comfortable ones, from Keith both times. He also had a difficult looping header off the top of the net in the first half.

Vags pushed in the second too but Embassy more than held their own in an auberginey-mustard Portuguese salted cod kind of way and things settled into a full blooded and, at times, nervy tete a tete. Phil looked to have given Vags a stranglehold when he got a header in with A View to a Kill but it smacked off the bar and then he got the rebound and back in again, only to be cleared off a spot a smidgeon in front of the line. Good stuff but no result and the nerves piled up.

Fraser also slid a scrumptious ball through to Phil but it was yet again snuffed out.

Selwyn then put Vags two up anyway though. A through ball seemed to be beyond him but he got a toe in just in front of the keeper and the ball wriggled free but wide – Mr Walsh retrieved the ball quickly and, with the keeper still prone, spun it goalwards and life switched to slow mo as the defender seemed to have it as it blackcurranted towards goal – creeped in off the post nonetheless and Selwyn pointed his Goldfinger heavenwards.

After going two up it was mooted that the Embassy could still come back into it but a comment or two on the sidelines snickered, ‘never’. Needless to say the Embassy boys then scored …………… so obviously we need to learn to Never Say Never Again. It was an absolutely stonking header off a corner – no complaints there.

A wonder moment lit up the game a la the fireworks atDisneyLandwhen Brad (from Gedford) produced a Cruyff turn, carefully nurtured over the last 27 years, and how effective it was. Next one is due 2039. Was ever so good all the same.

As the game finished Mr Maulvi Mohammed Arsala Rahmani, the former Taliban foreign minister, and now proprietor of the high quality family restaurant ‘FlyingGarden’ was spotted rubbing his hands with glee as the Vags left the ground. Disappointed he was to be then as the victorious mob headed straight to The Pong for some Casino Royale followed by some Octopussy. 

The post match sheninigans were somewhat dampened byWayne’s Kenneth Williams impersonation circa ‘Carry On Up the Kyhber’ on the train however, and this should definitely have been For Your Eyes Only.

Okum dokum, I could make a vainglorious effort to go through the rest of the titles but this report is more than a tadge too contrived as it is and The Spy Who Loved Me might just be beyond my faculties (although there was Natasha….but then again difficult to work this round to the salubrious Fukuda Denshi)………..

So toodoolooforthenoo

RS

This tune was composed for Blakey the Rover
As valiant a man as ever left home
And he had been much reduced
Which caused great confusion
And that was the reason he started to roam

In Hatchobori near Tokyo, he had been on the ramble
Weary of traveling, he sat down to rest
By the foot of yon Ministop
Lay a shelf of sustenance
With onigiri and pocari he himself did refresh

With the night fast approaching, to Minami Funabashi he resorted
With futon on tatami his bed for to make
But he dreamt about sighing
Lamenting and crying
Get the kit to the Vags and rambling forsake

‘Twas close to half time, I’ve reason to remember
When at the ground he arrived with the kit in the night
And Vags stood so astounded
Surprised and dumbfounded
To see such a stranger once more in their sight

This tune was composed for Blakey the Rover
As valiant a man as ever left home
And he had been much reduced
Which caused great confusion
And that was the reason he started to roam……..

Now then, in his wily ways Chris Blakey had challenged me ‘not to mention it’ as we slugged one of his ‘guilt train beers’ on the way home – my answer was a quick snigger and a ‘yep, yep’. No way Jose that this can go unmentioned in a match report, Chris joining the long and rich tapestry of Geordies who have fucked up badly when in possession of the single thing a team needs next to skill and guts…..the kit. Steve Glenn is the most relieved man in the house now that he can finally shed the snakeskin humiliation of constant piss taking that is unanswerable, having been an unlikely Southerner sandwiched between the otherwise iron grip of a Tyneside stranglehold when it comes to having the kit when the game has officially kicked off – yet not being there.

Cheap way to write your name into the annals of BFC / Vags history, of course. Phil Cockerill is going about it the tough way by chasing a 20 goals in a season target. Chris is maybe just thinking – this’ll definitely be a story which goes round at the club’s 50^th anniversary.

I guess we have a good 24 months to remind him of this heinous crime though and good fun it will be. And will be. And will be…..

Vags kicked off in an assortment of cycling shorts, (though nobody was wearing pink ones as per Kev Grays’ ‘j’ai oublie’ moment around 15 years ago) GAP undies, some kind of shitty tracky bottoms which were always falling down, and, rather surprisingly, a full set of creamy white suspenders. Fukuda Denshi supplied bibs so we didn’t get to see if there was a matching bra. This was probably just as well because we don’t want to know these things when it comes to &%#$(%’s sartorial habits.

(Tthis name has been removed to protect Graham —– er, oops)

Mark, who was your ‘falling down tracky bottoms man’, also had to contend with a pair of socks which barely came over his ankles as well as the legally required shin pads which were a feebly bound pile of crap anyway and still try to put in a shift before the Rover arrived. He did and did admirably (Mark not the Rover, otherwise it would be he did and did eventually)….but good God Mark looked stupid throughout the first 45.

Don, turning up on the sidelines to encourage the boys, had a face etched with that long forgotten anti-nostalgia ‘Oh for Jimmy Tarbuck’s sake…I remember this, disorganization, bollocks, running around looking like an extra from the teletubbies’ and, I think I heard, (though may have imagined) a sigh of relief that he is no longer playing. It was a bit like the look you have when you re-encounter your first shag 15 years on.

The first 5 or so were spent getting over the embarrassment but no goals conceded and Vags started to get a hold of the game. Lions were swift but Vags’ snappitidy in the tackle ensured no chances were made whilst the boys in red (well, green and blue and orange and…) started to maraud a bit more. Tom had a good header from a corner inch over – let’s call it a flashing header just to pretend we are Trevor Francis. Or let’s just call it a header and be grateful we are not.

A most interesting passage of play followed soon after and once again Thomas was involved – though this time, only an Eichmann to Lyndsey’s Himmler. The ball was played through and deflected off a Lion’s defenders shin as it made its’ way to the touchline, Lynsdey, who had just been involved in the build up, came back onto the pitch and, knowing it was going out for a corner, was going to let it go but then had a epiphany that he might be onside because he had been off the pitch and the ball had deflected of a Lion. He kept it in, looked up, dinked a cross and Tom rose like a two legged newt to spash it home, thank you very much. The aftermath was a searing indictment on the average referee and footballers’ knowledge in the TML of the basic rules of the game. Nobody had any idea if it should count or not. Vags didn’t even protest because we seemed to intuitively feel that things were not right, but nobody could answer why. The only gem that came out of it was that the ref ‘could have booked Lyndsey for returning to the field without permission’ which is the single item in the whole shebang that we all knew was nonsense. Lyndsey wasn’t injured so didn’t need permission to return – it would be like saying that every time a throw in was taken the thrower would need permission to step back onto the park. So having established that the ref didn’t know what he was doing then we could speculate freely and not mind if we didn’t know our arse from our elbow.

I think it was the right decision not to award the goal all the same (though I have no back up as to why) but then Lions went straight up the park and took the lead and this was disappointing, though nobody to blame but ourselves. I would love to give the Lions their fair dues and describe in voracious detail how exceptional their goal was but I missed it while I was trying to get an amazingly grumpy, rude taxi driver to get our kit, and Geordie in possession thereof, to the ground.

Sheard also lashed a 25 yarder pretty damn close but, but, but.

Half ground down with plenty of effort but 0-1 coming off to receive the repentantly laid out kit. Awash with softener I may add.

So where were we at half time?Waynehad an excellent half full of back tracking against a very swift lad on their right, the midfield did well but never dominated wholly and a Philless/Muzzyless attack was always going to be tough. So the second half idea was a revolutionary ‘application’ whatever that means. To be honest I had nothing to say ‘cause I was mentally exhausted by this time anyway due to the long journey and havering aboot after the elusive kit.

The second brought a Eightsome Reel of pressure from the Vags and what pleased me most was that it was followed by a Gay Gordon’s and then a Strip The Willow. Admittedly the Lions countered with a drum thumpingly fearsome African dance counter attack now and then, but no sober and honest onlooker who wasn’t from that great and vast continent could have kidded themselves that the Vags were not in the ascendency.

Goalmouth chances were made and spurned, mostly by the now genuinely red kitted ones. Koichiro had a couple of half through one on threes – he berated himself after but shouldn’t, Vags dominated the air and Steve G powered a couple of corners just wide. Other clear cuts were few and far between – lots into the area but scrappy stuff.

Pabs then popped up with the best goal ever witnessed at Fukuda Denshi between 20:30 & 21:00 on April 1^{st 2012}. A thumping header from a yard out which left the horrendously blundering keeper with no chance. If Pabs hadn’t been there then two more were, that was the pleasing thing. From then on there was (almost) only one winner – Vags pushed and pushed but only 10 minutes remained and we ran out of time .

Lynds had a good chance at the death but didn’t realize other people might be inside the 6 yard box when he was attacking – ball scooped away. On the other hand the quality of his delivery on this pre hanami evening was so good that the only time he messed up, Ged was straight on his case – now that is the essence of a real back handed compliment.

Talking about ‘at the death’ the final corner was about to be swung in by us and our goalkeeper has pelted into the penalty area – heart attack for me but as he ran past Ged he told him that the ref had assured him it was last kick. This was, naturally, bollocks.

A 1-1 was probably fair but we felt we took the game to them for the most part – Masa M was really solid at right back and Paul Coffey was excellent in both full back positions as the game progressed, including one of those perfectly timed tackles when you are a yard behind yer man but slide him and come away with the ball – did we like? Yes we did.

Mark was great in centre mid too, though all put in a shift (he says as his sentimental, socialist, side comes to the fore dispelling all cynicism for a split second and a teary hug goes round every member)………..right – roll call finished – schnell, schnell.

Great game to watch and great effort from the Vags – excuse me while I goosestep off downstairs.

(the lyrics to ‘Blakey the Rover’ are kindly reproduced and tinkered without permission based on John Martyn’s (RIP) superb arrangement of an already superb traditional ditty)

The following is based on a true story relating the events of the Vagabonds to attempt the biggest bank job since Oceans eleven, twelve or thirteen. The main protagonists have been renamed. Most are in hiding as we don’t want to compromise their current precarious existence.

YCAC was the venue and given the alarming dropdown of YCAC first team players, this jolly ocean view location was the TML equivalent of Fort Knox. But the knoxy (as it is known in colloquial Georgian) had been breached in the past and could be done so again. To this end the Vags had assembled a diverse and motley crew of strong men, technical wizards, numbers guys, curry house connoisseurs, tricky ball players, and S&M wild boys. Tension was crackling in the echoing pre match talk and the key was obviously to get these boys functioning as a unit and to concentrate on getting past the formidable security that faced them.

All had been working on their faux personalities and disguises. The potential lynchpin in the operation turned up as a tremendously convincing escapee from an albino conclave. The idea was to enable him to get inside their half and innocuously probe a bit without causing any suspicions. This was duly accomplished and the info was passed onto Man City in right midfield that he might get some joy. A few probes found out that the alarms were solid enough all the same and so plan B was to let Quality Scottish Soup and Sticky sneak in through the left wing fire escape instead. Sticky slipped the lock and broke into the back stairwell before smacking a cross off a hapless security guard and into the back of the net. The guard was bound and strapped and it seemed as though the Vags were in. Unbeknownst though a security camera had picked up the goal/security breach and reinforcements were sent in. The security locked down the holes and struck back with a goal either side of the half and The Crew were back to forewhence they came. Or a bit worse actually. 2-1 down.

Back to the drawing board which was cunningly hidden under the kiddies slide – facing the other way offered new tunnels, channels and back passages so Rabbitboy would have wished he was there. Irish Coffee who had a very good start and second half for the Vags controlled and pushed forward before lobbing a stick of dynamite onto Fat Boy Slim’s head and 2-2 it was. The alarm system was f###ed and there seemed to be a way in yet again.

The Crew pushed a bit – Sticky half chance spiralled wide, but the boys in blue had the upper hand given their superior resources. Irish Coffee was unfortunate to give away the 184^th hand ball offence inside the area this season and the penalty was dispatched. Another push followed and Chicken Tikka Masala was hauled away for dissent as the ref did a John Wayne pose just to make sure he didn’t say ‘bum’ and then get his first red ever. The fame that it would beget was ever so tempting for our True Grit wannabe but this couldn’t fit into this movie. Westerns are what you want mate, not bank jobs or, good lord, football matches.

The Cat should be given a mention for simple defiance when we knew the job was doomed (a fourth had already gone in) – out in front saying ‘come on then let’s ‘ave it’ and then parrying over the bar. A forlorn act all the same and he was banged away for 8 big ones.

Everybody else scarpered though and, London Bobbies notwithstanding, will resurface for a brief raid on a Fukuda Denshi ‘Flying Garden’ family restaurant next Sunday.

And for Chicken Tikka Masala – a fishing theme – had a bad date and it ruined my suzuki catching trip the next day – ‘Chicky pain marred bass’.

RS

The Vagabonatical doctrine of the Messiah, or Glennism, had its origins in the belief that Steve G had been anointed by the Lord himself (Liversidge) so that he and his descendants would enable Vags to regularly keep a place in the TML (* further mention below) second division.

The proponents of this doctrine were known as the Pharisees and were mostly composed of defenders and, or, codgers. There were, however, two other principal sects within the Vagabonds, one being the Zealots which had a more violent and apocalyptic nature and challenged the position of Glenn as the single Messiah. This faction tended to be a bit younger and was led by Tom Sheard. Other notable members were Burt, Hughes, Cockerill and Musgrove. The final sect was a rather obscure extreme desert fringe called the Titty Boys and they played a minor role in the running of the club, concentrating more on frequent excursions into Roppongi and Shinjuku. Some settled there and started kebab stalls or worked as lowly pimps and this became known as the Great Diaspora, but unlike the Jewish Diaspora they were quite content to while away hours in the dens of iniquity and never harked back to their desert homeland. They were led by Kaneko and they often managed to get converts from the Zealots on a temporary basis, especially Musgrove, who then repented on the following morning for the sins they had committed the night before. Ogling was considered the greatest of these and punishable by a long spell running the line on match day.

The Pharisees were keen scholars and many examples remain of their writings today. They were a pious people and wished to pass on the word of the Lord (Liversidge) and to this end they built an elaborate scriptorium which contained a large collection of books, put for safety in tall jars and concealed behind some litter bins at the northernmost section ofHibiyaPark.

It is from these canonical texts that we can see eschatological writings such as ‘The Battle of the Children of Light Against the Children of Darkness’ and from this document we can learn much about what was happening around Yonohonmachi circa 60-70 AD. Some of the writings, however, contain references of which little meaning can be understood today. The above title, for example, was followed in brackets by (Vags v Real Celts Hachioji Koen 18/2/12). Vags, we can surmise, refers to the Vagabonds spoken of above, but who or what the Real Celts were remains a mystery, though certain scholars have advanced the notion that they were the half of a duo of teams playing in the semi mythicallandofScotlandthat hadn’t gone into administration. As an objective historian it is my duty to say that this is mere conjecture however.

This document shows that the battle mentioned was in the context of a greater ‘War’ which was fought across many parts ofTokyoand its surrounding areas at the time. This war came to be known as the TML (*as mentioned above), though once again, little is known about the origin of this acronym. In connection with this war there are many mentions of a certain ‘Sid’ who seems to have been a very shady character.

The battle is of historical note as it shows proof of a prophecy by Zechariah (also known as Richard in parts of Kyushu and, rather strangely, the very eastern tip ofYunnanprovince inChina) who, as you will know, was the father of John the Baptist. This prophecy is an astonishing event as it was uttered almost a century before the actual battle took place. It was previously thought that his son’s preaching had got on Zechariah’s tits a bit but we can see that he himself was also partial to a few sage words now and then. The words themselves are worth quoting:

‘And there shall come a tribe and we shall say unto them ‘Behold our 4-4-1-1 formation and tremble before Mark playing in the hole’ and that tribe shall be ripped asunder by these words. And thus, relegation shall be avoided once and for all………well for the season anyway, which is good enough for now’.

So, jumping forward to the actual battle itself we can find the Pharisees, waiting at Yonohonmachi station at around 4:10pm with Zechariah’s prophesy learned by all, turning to look at their Messiah, Glenn, and say ‘be it so’. Records point out that Glenn was not there at the time though, due to the usual ‘train mix-up despite having left the house at 5:00 am’. The Pharisees seemed content nevertheless and waited on their saviour.

There is some difficulty in the reading and understanding thereof, when it comes to the battle itself.

From what can be extracted from the texts, it appears that the Vagabonds had held a forum and a decree was passed that the three disparate sects should be united for the evening and for the cause, even though some Zealots, out of a sense of duty, called Steve an $%#hole. The strange hieroglyphic-like symbols have been expertly researched and we can be reasonably certain the full representation of the word is ‘asshole’.

Steve had a rare starting position in midfield and said (according to a partially translated document) ‘played Kyo Country Club and shot 104 – slice is back and had trouble in the trees’.

We have no idea what this means.

Some scholars have put forward the theory that this relates to a strange sexual practice involving badgers and Fry’s Turkish Delight but once again this is mere supposition and I distance myself from these ideas.

The team talk is noted in full:

‘For in all the world there is nothing to equal the day on which the Song of Songs was given to Vagland, for all the writings are holy, but the Song of Songs is the Holy of Holies.’

The scrolls testify that ‘Lyndsey did yawn’ and a few others muttered ‘here he goes again’ and rolled their eyes heavenward.

And the battle started and everyone was very happy because it was freezing cold.

It seems that the Vagabonds were, in fact, very united and played as a team early on although there is evidence to suggest that they lacked a real cutting edge around a strange battlefield demarcation line called the ’18 yard box’. As the battle raged on, however, it become clear that the Vagabonds would strike a mighty blow to the Celts and they scored three in a vicious 20 minute spell. Phil Cockerill, a direct descendant of Samson, scored the first two – a drive down the line and around the Celts rearguard by Muzzy was cut back and Phil was in the right place to drive a spear into the Celts. Phil was put through again a few moments later and rounded the keeper before axing it home from a tight angle. The first half scoring finished when the peaceable and unwarlike Paul Wadsworth turned immaculately in a quite pirouettey fashion and left two Celts for dead. He then toed a sliced drive into the net from 20 yards out. There were some mutterings from the more pious Pharisees that this shot was unorthodox and shouldn’t count as toeing the ball is not faithful to the almighty but the referee gave it and the Vags trotted off 3-0 up.

The half is also notable for a miraculous sight which many bystanders failed to believe even though they could see it with their own eyes – Ged embracing one of the opposition members.

Half time, one would think, should have been full of optimism and good feeling but it was difficult to keep the simmering tension between the sects from bubbling up. A theological debate started about the spirit of the Vags – Graham insisting that the essence of the Vags lay in the details, and unless you got the details right, such as 3 or 4 or 3 in the wall and who should be marking their centre forward when he is six yards out and free at a set piece, then the club became meaningless and could not stand. Brian, on the other hand felt that the essence of the Vags was the spirit itself and if you got the spirit right the details would take care of themselves. The debate finished with Graham calling Brian a ‘shirtlifter’. This may have been the reason for a lapse of concentration at the beginning of the second half as the ball was let free inside the penalty area and Ged gave away a penalty. Ged stringently protested to the referee that although there was contact there was no intention and thus a penalty should not be given. The referee, Zadok who wasJudah’s deputy, could not be converted however. And the penalty was.

However the Vagabonds appear to have heard a mighty and divine roar from the sidelines and almost immediately went up the field and reasserted their three goal lead, Phil getting his third hat-trick of the war with a nice through ball and a deft lift over the keeper from 8 yards out.

The Celts themselves would not lie down however and sensed that the back four might be dozy again and they were proved right as another mix up left a striker an easy finish from a yard out as Graham played fumbletum just to amuse himself, because until then he had been very bored.

Ged was then hauled off with twenty minutes to go, so dashing any chance of him playing every minute of the season – and the man responsible for this heartless tactical rotation was smitten with guilt upon finding out about this ambition and hung himself in the little shed where the corner flags go, next to the smaller of the two pitches.

Back on the battlefield, once again the Vags responded to losing a goal and Shosuke, of whom little is known other than he was a troglodyte, hit a 20 yard shot just under the bar. This finished the scoring and though Zechariah’s prophecy had mentioned that a tribe, being the Celts, would be ‘ripped asunder’ it is recorded that they never lay down and finished strongly. This has led to intense debate about the meaning of ‘asunder’ and whether Zechariah’s prophecy can stand up as evidence of the truth of the Lord. Frankly the Vags didn’t really seem to care too much on this point though as the 3 points were said to be ‘the main thing’.

Once the battle was over there seems to have been a ritual partaking of alcohol and the loosening of tongues which is very important from a historical perspective because we can gain real insight into what people were thinking in these ancient times. Unfortunately this is also offset by the fact that people were pissed so their utterings lack cohesion. Mention was made of ‘10 stodgy bastards at the back’ and a ‘hatred of Prima Donnas’ but it will require further research before we know what these sayings refer to.

There was also much talk about secondary, tertiary and quarternary assists and Tom the Zealot insisted that he was ahead in all of these – but Phil mentioned that 16 goals was more important and the balance was in his favour, especially given Tom’s inability to prove the former.

And thus the Vags had at least a three week break before embarking on their tough run in.

Now let us move onto the next chapter which deals with the financial dealings of the Governer of Galilee, Herod Redknapp who apparently had some off shore accounts the other side of the river Jordan…………….

RS

Vags cucumbered out an under-ripe kiwifruit 1-1 draw at the ludicrously square St Mary’s.

It was a real middle of the park foot-in-fest. Fair play, the AOB know what they like, like it and do it well. There was no space to exploit and it was, finally, condensed milk.

The zing from the strawberries was nothing to do with the score but just the almost forgotten nostalgia sprung forth from a good game of football with a good bunch of guys getting stuck in. Yellow cards? – not even close. Hard tackles? – yes, but it’s football. Occasional hard done by shouts at the ref (both sides)? – yes.

Shirt pulling – no. Diving – no. Cheating – no.

Many, many comments from the lads after about how much they enjoyed this game due to the spirit it was played in. The Old Boys should more than stay up and we hope so. I am, of course, not allowed to slag off other teams’ behavior in the league due to political unsoundness but have a close look at a few comments creeping into other teams’ match report in TML and you won’t need to be Sherlock to be able to piece two and two together as regards certain teams re the above negative 3 criteria………oochy oochy….better shut up, getting into dangerous territory.

Vags lined up G. Burt, G. O’Connell, S.Glenn, M.Taguchi……………

Albion Old Boys lined up H. Testicles, S. Mycock, G. Hisbottom, P, Gonorrhea,…….

Fraser tried to catch Gonorrhea a few times in the first half but couldn’t quite make it and, in the second, Steve slid a perfect pass between Mycock and Hisbottom for Phil, only to see him smothered by Testicles.

Well that’s enough of that, I figured Rowan Atkinson won’t sue due to his Johnny English commitments but finally it is a painful way to get a cheap laugh. Gomen.

Blue skies over the horizon boded well but an incessant amount of balls pelted left, right and eastwards by a horde of kids, meant that the touchline was never comfortable.

The match itself is a bit of a tough one to report on – Albion played it out from the back to a central midfielder, good lay off wide but closed down, passed forced back inside, Tom gets a foot in and cuts it back, 50-50 ball won by the Albion and hit up the wing, Masahiro challenges well and plays it inside to Lyndsey who pushes it back to Muzzy and a hard tackle goes in, the ball squirms free and Nao picks it up only to be instantly hit by an Old Boy. Ball played forward and mopped up by Ged, down the wing for Fraser but beaten to it and out for a throw, throw taken and knocked out for another and, and…………and that was more or less the entire game.

Steve did really well and was the one player on the park who could make any space for himself, but even then only for a nano second.

Old boys went ahead from a relatively straightforward through ball which was misjudged by Masa M on the bounce and Mick O’Hagan found himself with that rare luxury on the day. Room. Comfortable finish and that was that.

Vags equalized in the second when Phil hit a great, lashing, dipping, powerful, baked bean strike from the right of the 18 yarder into the opposite top corner. There remained around 15 to go at that point and the game got a smoodiddy ragged but 1-1 about summed things up on the day.

Muzzy had a decent header saved and Graham made yet another excellent save to add to his Bee Gees collection for the season – one handed parry diving to his left would go down as a Maurice Gibb probably.

A note on the pitch – surface lovely – space crap – I think we could hold Man City for 10 mins.

Oh, and by the way – Rangers went into administration. Murray mints, Murray mints, too good to hurry mints.

RS

A long, long time ago in a far off land called the Rising Sun (a pub in Yotsuya not Nippon itself) a young Prince, who was regent to the territory of ‘Shoddy Bodyland’ which covered a swath of Tokyo, envisaged a grand and most estimable plan, over an Ichibanshibori and a bowl of piping hot ramen.

‘Let us’ the young royal burbled, ‘go forth into the less hospitable areas of our kingdom, and spread the word about this chipper game called footy. And let me have, now and forever, another pint.’ The bureaucrats who surrounded his throne were understandably concerned by this mad plan and tried to get him to take a rickshaw home, even though in those days the Prince was able to legally cycle while under the influence and oftentimes did. Such was their concern about this weird and worrying scheme.

And one of his chief advisors, Jenny Slackshorts, said to the Prince, ‘but Lordy Gordy, if you sally forth into the unknown you will end up in horrible places full of creatures of unimaginable disgust and filth and goodness knows what may happen to the clubs’ moral standards.’

 
And the Prince, with a gleam in his own, looked her in the eye, deeply and wisely, though not averse to a quick flick downwards to her shorts, and said in a deep resonant voice, full of timbre and ale,

‘If you go to Todoroki, thou should never build Sandcastles and if you go to Oi Futo an Ume Shu is what thou should bring. But………if you do go to Todoroki the number two shall be important indeed and laden with the meaning of the ancients of the BFC. And can I have another pint please.’ And Jenny Slackshorts was impressed indeed by these words of weighty wisdom and gave him another peek.

So goes the story………except the Vags did build sandcastles today but they held forth despite the Zionic salty waves lapping at the edges throughout the second half. Which just goes to show the Princes’ quarter century old mutterings were probably just down to him being pissed.

On the other hand we are a bit freaked out by the references to the number two which are eerily spot on and have got us into séances and stuff.

For example:

Two brilliant saves from Graham – one was the best I have seen in a total of twelve years plus ofTokyo football. It was world class and people can say this is hyperbole but I was there and saw it and am happy with this particular adjectival phrase. And those who know me know I would NEVER build Graham up because he can do that very well himself thank you very much.

Two goals from Phil – no surprise there you say? Well that is probably the truth but therefore a testament to the season he’s having.

Two excellent blocks on the line from Tom.

Too much scrappy play in the middle of the park but an amazing amount of tackles put in by the Vags.

To the match then:

Vags lined up with a squad which was not the strongest and given our tussles with Zionin the last couple of years (this was our 5^th in 15 months or so) we knew it was going to be tough to take anything from it. But we could have done without it being quite so tough. Though, then again, it made it all the sweeter. Toil, sweat, tears and blood and all that. Steve G’s blood mostly – Tom’s peely wally effort at a ripped knee didn’t really count in my book.

Early doors was a spirit level of a game – the wee bubble edging one way then the other. Not much in it. Vags went ahead around half way through – ball was won in the centre of the park and Masahiro scampered down the wing pulling the attention of theZiondefence with him. Steve Glenn had the ball at his feet and turned what seemed to be the entire team when he decided to check back inside and cross a ball with his left. Weaker foot schmeaker foot, it was a great delivery and Phil was there to head downwards and into the corner. The contact wasn’t the best and it was slow mo as it crept in but a good goal nonetheless.

Cue Graham’s wonder save. A brilliant long range shot fromZionand it is 1-1. I am directly behind the strike when he hit it and it is 1-1. Except Graham somehow arches backwards and even though the ball is already on the downward trajectory into the net he manages to get a strong upward hand full stretch and inch it over the bar. Pick your superlative. Mine would be preceded by quite a few swear words acting as intensifying adjectives. It was still 1-0.

The spirit level came back out of the carpenter’s bag again and the rest of the half bore a goal apiece. The first toZionbeing a well executed free kick after a Zionarticor was clipped 25 yards out. The second of this particular two which proved also to be the final goal of the game came from the head of the Phil of the Goals and it was a worthy winner for any game. (well any game played at this god forsaken hell hole anyway). A throw in to Vags and our very own wandering minstrel, Nao, jogged away, his back to the thrower Lyndsey. A ferocious ‘NAAAOOOOOOOOO’ followed by a even more ferocious throw and Kaneko-san realised he was suddenly involved in the move, woke up quickly, took on their left back and drove to the point of the line before lofting a foie gras sautéed in fresh grape juice of a cross which Phil stylistically rose to head home. The first two participants in the goal were chatting later saying what a fluke it was – I, somewhat non-plussed, countered that it was more or less perfect vision for the throw, a perfect cross and a perfect header, what was the problem? The simultaneous answer was that if it goes perfectly for the Vags then it is, by definition, a fluke. The heavy weight of logic crushed me and I went to get an apple Chu-Hi.

The second half was a tough shift for the Vags andZionlifted their game and pushed throughout. If I were them I would be seriously disappointed not to have taken anything from the game. Graham pulled off another really good save from another excellent effort just outside the area – again finger tipping over the bar. It would normally go down as brilliant in this kind of report but after the first one everything pales into insignificant twaddle.

Vags were dominant in the air –Tom bossing the middle and Muzzy getting everything upfront but Vagabonds only offered snatches in attack under the heavy moss of pressure from theZionattack.

Backs to the wall indeed but I have rarely seen Vags fight so well. Man of the match could be at least 5 people and that doesn’t often happen. In particular Masahiro was tigerish at right back, Steve commanding in the centre of defence yet still finding time to break and probe. Ged helping everyone keep shape as well as a few good headers and excellent chasing down. Lynsdey was immense and Tom superb. Graham makes it 6 right enough. But the overall team performance was the key.

To come back to our prescient founder….the Sandcastle moment was when Graham was told not to build the pesky little mounds to take his goal kicks. Obviously I doubt this is a FIFA rule given that the beautiful game isn’t usually played on such surfaces but Graham was finally forced to agree, after a medium length conversation, to ‘try not to’.

Laugh?………….I nearly shat.

Well done Vags – proud of the……………oh God almost sounded like George W Bush for a minute…..pphhheeww…..

RS

The sadness comes from Garry Robertson. This makes anything that follows meaningless.

The tiredness is from a cynical nastiness from certain teams in this league going unpunished. Today’s opponents are the worst. Mark’s achilles were raked and he was rightly livid and squared up. Yellow card to Mark. Chris was elbowed in the face 3 times in succession (yes, that is THREE) and he gets a yellow for retaliation. Stoneds knew the ref was soft and played it to the hilt – kicking off the ball, shirt pulling everywhere. Something has to be done about this cause it is getting worse. I cut a huge paragraph from my ‘cleaned up report’ against Stoneds last time (we won 8-0 just in case anyone is thinking sour grapes) for TML because it is best for them to be nice and jolly and sometimes pretend everything is candy floss pink and fluffy in the league – but it has happened again big time and I am being dishonest to the lads if all is swept under the futon again. And Fraser gets a yellow for a mistimed tackle – maybe just ok but then there should have been 11 yellows on the day.

The funny thing is that Stoneds didn’t need to. They won unfair and square, played some excellent football and would have got to the next round without the dark side.

Vags started really well and Mark had a snap effort that whizzed just over like a sexually active and somewhat freckled dolphin within the first couple of minutes.Waynehad a superb first half and played a couple of vacuum cleanerish balls in behind the defence for Nao to chase down like a man in possession of a soiled policeman’s helmut. Final ball not good enough but good movement.

Stoneds started to come back into things but Vags nipped it in the hymen when Tom got the ball in midfield, and, doing his Al Gore crossed with Marge Simpson act, slipped it through to Nao who just edged in ahead of the keeper and slipped it home as if he were a constipated toad.

Stoneds started to push and scored a brilliant goal – an excellent orange blossom-like volley from 12 yards out leaving the YCAC ground encased in an evocative Asian aroma.

Things were as positive as a slightly positive sheet of crisp white paper at half time but, as the second half progressed, the evil ones gained superiority in a Kublai Khan fashion.

Their centre back was so comfortable on the ball he could have been mistaken for Al Capone playing croquet and he netted an excellent second for the smurfs. A third followed but the end of the game was overshadowed by the fact that Stoneds were at it, getting away with it, knew it and were laughing. I thought the Vags did well not to have anybody just lay into one of them (which would have been the number 7 of course).

Graham made a number of vanilla scented blocks and that was further testament that the monitor lizards had the upper had throughout the second half.

Steve G and Muzzy should get algae mentions for two mistakes followed by amazingly good make up tackles and blocks. Steve G, in particular stretched full length to block an open goal effort and theYaltaconference did, indeed, seem like a distant memory.

Back to the league then and the next two games will be as crucial as a razor in a whorehouse. (aah, crumbled at the end and put in one that makes sense)

RS

Excuse the number of nouns ending in ‘ness’ at the start of the report – I have had a fungi spore ridden day.

Richard, Muzzy,  Phil and Sarah Cockerill, Owen, and Tom all contributed towards the effort missing out on defending their title by the slimmest of margins, 1 point!

A few for you at home to have a go at.

a. Other than alcohol what are the 3 main ingredients of Eggnog?

b. Who was England’s highest run scorer during the last Ashes series?

c. What animal was Snowball in George Orwell’s Animal Farm?

Answers: a. Cream,Sugar, Egg. b. Alistair Cook c. Pig