'Mis-understood?' probably, but then Ged 'Carlos' O'connell is from Bradford!

Dutch FC 2  BFC Vagabonds 2
Hachioji Park, Saturday 8th October

The Vagabonds Chronicle is back and, as always, ahead of the Daily Yomiuri in breaking the latest TML news.

Yesterday witnessed 2 shocking incidents which will no doubt disrupt the club and potentially the TML and, thereafter, football in general.

Carlos O’Connell

Firstly, the Vagabonds manager Englebert Humperdink is embroiled in a Cullen Skink of a Potage as he seeks to sort through the furore that ensued after Saturday’s game. Apparently Vags regular centre half O’Connell informed Englebert that he ‘couldn’t be arsed’ going on against the Dutch on Saturday.

When it was pointed out that he was giving up a huge part of his Saturday and, in addition, shelving out 1500 yen for the privilege of travelling 50 odd kms to play, he simply said ‘So fucking what’.

His interpreter, Chris Blakey, who lived in Bradford for three or four days before realising his mistake, claims that things were lost in translation. ‘He never said he didn’t want to go on’ said Chris – ‘he was, in fact, talking about a belly dancing evening in a Turkish restaurant the other night but the media just latched onto the word ‘didn’t’ and turned it into what they wanted to believe’.

Other sources reveal that O’Connell was even perhaps misquoted regarding the belly dancing incident and did in fact say ‘yes I will’.

Major shareholders Don Whyte and Gordon Liversidge have come out staunchly indifferent, with the former saying ‘Who?’ and the latter more concerned about whether he can get out for golf next Thursday.

O’Connell seems to be unrepentant and this is an issue which could split the club in half, following the already controversial treatment of stellar players at the Highland games.

A band of pro O’Connell supporters gathered outside Humperdink’s home last night holding candles and waving banners, which were inscribed with bletherings such as ‘Oh No Oh No Humperdink Must GO!’ Mr. O’Connell has apparently gathered a large support group of disgruntled non picked and formerly non picked Vags whose stated aim is to ‘Hack off the fucker’s head’.

Humperdinck is shifting from 7-11 to 7-11 and remaining incognito.

Chants

Further mayhem surrounds the Vags as the local, extremely incompetent, police gather information regarding the alleged racist, sectarian, sexist, and anti Liverpudlian chanting by the Vags supporters at Saturday’s game.

The Vagabonds risk being kicked out of the league as a result of their vociferousness. Thomas-san and Humperdink-san, showering a torrent of abuse from the sidelines. The TML say that the only hiccups in the process are that Adebayor wasn’t on the field at the time and that the people on the sidelines were actually having a go at their own players.

‘This is a new situation which will be afforded the correct protocol and procedures seen through, and ultimately it will be a healthy step moving forward for the good of the game.’ Said TML supremo Bates just before getting stuck into the Hibees.

Some of the chants in question are

Steve Glenn

There’s only one Stevie Glenn………..One Stevie Glenn

Says he’ll score – but we don’t know when

Stevie Glenn, Stevie Glenn

Phil Cockerill

He supports Liverpool – he must be a tool, Cockerill, Cockerill…

Ged O’Connell

He tackles, just like a woman

And he heads, just like a woman (yes he does)

And he passes just like a woman

But he shoots just like a little giiiirl….

Muzzy

He’s white, he’s shite and he cannae tackle right………Musgrove, James Musgrove…

(This was considered particularly vicious as young Liam was along to watch Papa score at the time)

There was also one aimed at Gordon Liversidge of a sectarian nature but the Chronicle deems it unfit to print. Suffice to say the words ‘proddy’ and ‘shoddy body’ were in there.

Good Lordy! 2 pages have whizzed by and nothing about the game.

The score was 2-2. Vags lost early and late – a quirky game by Orlando offering plenty of penalty frolics in between, the Vags coming out on the Charley and the Chocolate Factory side of that.

I seem to have written about 6 times last season that the pre match talk was about not being complacent…………..blah, blah, again today – turns out afterwards that a few team members had actually construed this as ‘Dutch are bottom, they will be crap, piss around a bit and the goals will follow’. Well after about 5 minutes I was proved right – albeit with a Machu Picchu of a deflection from a speculative shot. Graham was left scrambling whilst hacking up some nasty upper respiratory infraction phlegm.

Vags got their collective heads together instead of individually up their own arses, and play started to flow. A few promising probes got the juices going and then Phil struck from a long ball over the top – or maybe through the trees…latched onto it and coolly slotted past a very astute goalie. It is rumoured that this particular keeper once white water rafted down stretches of the Amazon with Rupert Murdoch – but this could be simple hearsay and frankly………I doubt it.

Vags had a spell of the uppers (and Shosuke wasn’t even there to supply the pills) and almost went ahead following a softish penalty decision. Ken – as always – dispatches it with just the slightest of glances at the passing ladies and 2-1 it is. Well 2-1 it isn’t. Orlando plays by the book and orders a retake for Muzzy encroaching (what a great word!! – ‘I encroached on Mrs. Witherspoon at the dance the other night’ – ‘If you fucking try that again I’ll fucking encroach you!’….etc). Harsh. Ken hits another but the keeper is now full of nous and a good parry.

1-1 at half time.

Second was a really solid start – the Dutch were annoyingly and amazingly good – they are bottom of the league but produced a plethora of crisp, fluid, shirt pulling, incisive, early vision, niggly fouling and pacy Japanese football – that is typical of this country.

I hate the way shirt pulling never gets penalised in this league because it is a simple disgrace to football.

But….the Vags were mostly on the front foot for the next 20 – Pabs drove through and almost lobbed Ruppy’s buddy and then still managed to retrieve and cut back for Muzzy from 10 yards out – skied. Bugger – sidelines were shaking their heads and Muzzy’s confidence is obviously shattered. Not at all – within 5 he scores a very, very, very expensive Japanese melon of a goal, the kind you find in Mitsukoshi. It is all there – Ryo pushes the ball a smidge too much on the left – slides in and retrieves it leaving the opposition eating a Toblerone on the floor – deftly into the box to Muzzy who drops his shoulder right, turns left and rifles it home into the far side netting.

Where did that come from?

Brilliant.

The last 20 was brutal – Vags sat too deep but I still felt we would see it out – Graham was outstanding throughout and pulled off a couple of great blocks when people were 6 yards out, 8 yards out whatever. We would have lost today if not for him. So cue another penalty – very, very soft – given against Tom for handball with 2 mins to go………well ok, if it is a case of evening out then it is a case of evening out – we didn’t ask for our penalty. But given the encroaching controversy of before I simply watched their guys as the PK was taken and yer man 2 yards to the right of the kicker encroached. So………I am definitely missing the point here – you can’t watch our guys for this and not theirs – surely?

2-2 was a fair enough result but a sour taste with the over fancy reffing.

Dutch were excellent – their number 18 and number 20 were brilliant. Word to their number 18 – do not come across and deck people off the ball just because the referee is not looking. Kudos to Garry Robertson for not just getting back up and flooring him – cause I would have and done the team no good at all.

Man of the match was Graham who despite being ill was immense whilst also giving me an insight into how to cure the clap. Heavy book on the knob it seems – discharge…………..ooohhh didn’t really want to go there. Not that I have the clap you understand………well…….. not anymore……….maybe sacrilegious to use the bible as the heavy book right enough..

No Vag was poor today – on paper it might seem like 2 points dropped (well actually it was two points dropped) but the Dutch were exceptional. Mark won headers where no man has gone before, Phil scored and was a nuisance as ever, Muzzy was a power house, S & G were great at the back. Masahiro and Ryo – welcome back with open arms – both were fandabydozy. Wayne wasn’t there. Steve B found a second wind in the Hub in Ikebukuro but was good on the pitch too. Ken just knows football and the Vags benefit. Tom was all Vindaloo and Vags were just better when Pabs was on the field. Chris was hangover ridden, joining the good Lyndsey tradition. Fraser wasn’t there. Garry promised not to send long balls but Steve said it was ok so he did.

A further point about linesman – if you have a situation where the referee congratulates us for not flagging when they are onside (i.e. not cheating) (Chris – well done son and I agree they weren’t offside.) then it surely means the refs know that teams cheat? Right?

Good God Richard this is boring for all out there and you are just turning into a grumpy old bastard.

Hai,hai, sumimasen.

A big thanks should go to Hachibori-san – the 87 year old lady – for retrieving Tom’s Ronan O’Gara in the warm up. It landed snugly in her garden about 40 yards outside the ground but the game old girl trapped it, did a couple of keepy uppys and then returned it to us unspoiled. I tried to tap her up for the Vags but turns out she is already playing in Adrian’s seniors’ team.

Finally, a humungous thanks to all who didn’t tell me the England v France rugby score – made it all the sweeter when I got home!

RS

Footy Japan Highland Games Soccer 7′s
K.U.I.S. Makuhari, Sunday 2nd October 2011

The BFC Vagabonds won the Highland Games Masters tournament on Sunday 2nd October at Kaihin Makuhari.