Chesty Morgan’s Tits

Trying to think about how to describe something really, really, really soft……no implants you know.

Fraser Brown was the first Vag red carded this season but it was without a shadow of a doubt in anybody’s mind a Boris Johnson. A joke, but not funny. Not least for Fraser himself, but also for Muzzy, who ended up in goal for the full game and Roy, who therefore didn’t get back on the pitch.

Fraser went down in the box, shirt being pulled. Good claims for a penalty and Fraser shouts ‘Fuck sake ref’. Ref uses his high tech simultaneous translation earpiece to construe this as ‘You fuck me ref’, (I confirmed this with him after the game) which no native Scot would ever say anyway unless they had a few tinnies of Tennant’s Super inside them (assuming here that Mr Brown didn’t of course). And even then it would probably come out something more like – ‘………ars………shagged yer mot…sister too……..’ ….well best not go there really.
Straight red.
Absolute nonsense.
The ref was saying to me that it was a silly thing to do in ‘such a game’ – which I construe to mean an easyish workout for the Vags and this is bollocks anyway. If it was a tough game then doing a silly thing would have been fine? And the essence here is that Fraser didn’t do a ‘silly thing’ anyway – he swore, once.. Laughable and ridiculous. I don’t recall ever having shaken a player’s hand as they trotted off after having got a red until yesterday. Bullshit decision.

The ref also told me in our little post match tete a tete that he had had a perfect game and didn’t make any mistakes, I kid you not. This is Mork calling Ork, nanu nanu shazbot….

It didn’t affect the result though. Vags were 3-0 up before the red and finished 6 to the good – Muzzy keeping a clean sheet despite efforts at the end to let one squirm under his body. But we all know he was just pissing around in a dissing competition with Graham. Graham came out and scored last season – Muzzy stays in and keeps a clean sheet this season – 1-1. It could get nasty.

In all seriousness I would like to thank Muzzy on behalf of the team today for reluctantly stepping in when Graham was off transvestite hunting in Phuket, especially as Muzzy might have plundered a few against a wobbly defence.

Guts were interesting. They have a few decent players and can pass around a wee bit but often give it away on the fourth or fifth pass and get themselves into lots of trouble. The defence was weeblish as mentioned but, unlike the egg shaped smiley annoying little toys, they did fall down now and again. No guts really.

Vags were reasonably comfortable throughout and took the lead with an excellent move. Tom drove forward and played it left to Nao who drove down the left (funnily enough) and pulled it back to Tom. Outside of the right foot and into the corner. Fine goal. And did we or did we not see a wee fist pump from the Barnsley boy? Yes we did.

The second was down to one of many fine Lyndsey corners during the game. Tom headed back and Fraser flipped it against the bar, Masa powered through to knock it home from a yard out. ‘I’m having it’ said Fraser………well….‘no your not’ says I.

Fraser was massively involved in the 3rd too…….scrumptious ball through to Phil who rounded the goalie but just nudged things a diaphragm too far. Cut back on the touch line, looked up and spotted a condom in the middle. That condom was Nao. He collected on the 18 yard line, looked up and had a goalie and 2 other defenders lined up on the line. Picked his spot anyway, banged it off the inside of the post and seed was spilt everywhere. Nice, safe sex.

Then Fraser was joke-redded.
The thing about this game was that we essentially started with twelve, because Lyndsey was playing centre back and left midfield at the same time, as well as taking all the throws and corners, so being down to 10 was like being down to 11. He was indeed, a man possessed. Or, to be more accurate, a man not in possession of a hangover. Brilliant game.

Pattern of the game was not overly disrupted but Cockerill came to the fore a tadge more. Chris, still chortling away to himself about Rio Ferdinand the day before, joyfully sent Phil through down the left and Phil snapped it away smartly in the right hand corner. Clinical enough to merit a clap on the back from Mengele.

The next was Laurel & Hardy at it again. Chris broke into the penalty area and seemed destined to get his first goal for the Vags ( no- Highland games volleys do not count) but the ball was cleared off the line(ish) and Phil snarfled things up for a brace.

Time for one more and Phil claims the hat-trick. Not to be, I’m afraid, because a defender running backwards towards his own goal and smashing the ball off the post back into his own goal would seem to suggest an own goal. A quick poll was done in the changing rooms to see if Phil had any back up for his fanciful match ball demands and this was, frankly, met with derision. So O.G. it is.

A workman like result and pleasing due to the mentality of just sticking it away but also keeping going when a few ahead. Then again when a man down. Guts were really ropey at times but were not a bad team in fairness and complacency could have caused problems. There was none. Very good.

RS