Ullo – Ullo – Ullo – Ullo
Ullo Vags! Got new strikers?|Ullo Vags! Got new strikers?
Phil and Sho got ‘atricks.
Phil and Sho got ‘atricks
Muzzy weighed in wiv a double
Muzzy weighed in wiv a double
I keep tropical fish
I keep tropical fish
In me underpants
In me underpants
I had had vague notions of doing the whole match report to Sayle’s classic but really find that would be much too challenging and the chaps and chapesses out there who don’t know what I’m talking about would be even more confused than usual.
Vags didn’t, in fact, have new strikers in person – but in attitude it might as well have been Margaret Thatcher (oops sorry, I had promised to stop swearing) to Tony Benn.
You might have noticed a smidgeon of negativity if you read the last report, or you might have thought I’d hung myself, but the response today was just what the gynaecologist ordered.
I will take a tranche of credit due to the inspirational video I sent out late Friday night. ‘Ullo John! Gotta new motor?…’ was the obvious choice because I am 6ft 2” and obese by your average Japanese health check standards, so finding a suit 2 sizes too small was easy and, in addition, not being averse to using a prodigious amount of profanity (if you know the 12 inch version then the faux-coprolalia* is what I can do very, very well) – then that was that settled. My dancing was poor but then Saturday Night Fever was never going to be the name of the game. If any corporate executives out there want to buy the video to rejuvenate their ailing company then it costs 57,000 yen and can be bought from me. The money will have to go down as an advisory fee and be paid through the Cayman Islands, for reasons I cannot divulge, but it is all above board of course. Oh, and I have cameras for sale too, sir.
The only other choice of a comedian singing that sprang to mind was Ken Dodd – ‘Happiness, apenis, the greatest thing that I possess’…… but he had hair and didn’t pay the Diddy Men, or to put it another way diddled the Diddy Men, – neither of which apply to myself. And my Diddy Men are very happy too.
8-0. 8-0. 8-0. 8-0. That sounds very nice indeed, but without taking anything away from the lads there are a couple of things that should be mentioned for the masses. Stoneds turned up with a bare 11 – though fortunately clothed. After about 15 minutes a clash involving the bulky Shosuke and their keeper left the Stoneds guardian in quite severe pain (a cracked rib wouldn’t surprise me though I hope not). He couldn’t continue so they were down to ten and that was the case for the rest of the game.
The other stat which I should keep hidden from the rest of the league, but won’t, because deep down I am a fundamentally nice guy, is that it took the Vags around 35 chances to notch the 8. Last week we didn’t have a shot on goal so the chances were zero but even with the one shot the week before we would only have a one in 4 chance of sticking it away anyway. So don’t quake in your boots just yet.
Let’s run through the ‘could have beens’ at the newly named (Kikkoman sponsored) Stadium of Shoyu in Oi.
Muzzy, by his own admission, had 6 – a couple of wild swipes whizzing cornerwards are all I can remember, Phil owned up to perhaps 3 and has vowed to assume Muzzy will miss everything in future even if he shouts for it, Takuma tried to walk the ball home a couple of times, Chris was a cow’rin, tim’rous, beastie, though hardly sleekit, on one occasion (however not sure that trying to play your teammates in counts), Tom had, by his own admission, no bad misses at all – but the rest of the team did notice the two headers from six yards out and a shot over the bar from 12. Shosuke had a couple to stick in there…..oh and Pabs should have shot once too.
What a fundamental, complaining Scottish bistro I am.
Yes.
I was told that the Vags stole Alexei’s hat and tucked it away in a very safe place early on and after arriving 10 minutes late it was 0-0. To come back to attitude – it was there and obvious. Profligacy was abundant too, in fact there was so much of it, it was wasteful. Vags seemed nervy in front of goal and the pressure heaped on by the fact that I could be sacked, if this were to be a third straight defeat, made things a bit tense.
Onto the goals – but this is tough. Usually I am trying to remember the last goal that the Vags scored, and it is an amazing situation (akin to a Frenchman admitting he knows nothing about wine) that I am even struggling to remember in which order the goals were scored. Let’s have a go anyway.
Muzzy’s first was the Lux-like clean soap of them all. Great cross from Mark (or Takuma? Or Graham? Or Hisako? – the mind gets hazy) was strongly headed home. There was a weird time warp moment because I was already shouting ‘get in!’ yet the team were waiting…it was a kind of skype delayed reaction. I was right behind in line though and the minute Muzzy stuck his neck muscles on it Pancho Villa could ride again and Mexico could rejoice.
Second – Sho disposed a defender (and you are thinking ‘TYPO!’ here right?………but I’ll stick with disposed even though it makes no sense ‘cause it sounds nice and isn’t the title of an Ursula K. Le Guin novel either – fundamental pretentious name if there ever was one) and got within 3 yards of their sub keeper – looked up and barrelled it straight at him – he parried well and Shosuke, somewhat miffed, gathered the rebound, shimmied, shimmied again and flicked it home with the outside of his sock. Or was it a wellie?
Third was Sho again – ball over the top – Sho is through with a defender half a yard behind – defender grabs hold of the shirt, Sho shrugs and, wiry little bistro that he is, keeps going, defender gets even more of the shirt – enough that I approached him after the game and said ‘if you want it that bad then you can fundamentally go home and wash it your fundamental self!’. Sho even rides that and still breaks free. The defender rugby tackles him and pulls down his shorts – Sho is revealed to have Rupert the Bear undies – Vags are impressed………..and he is still going . Defenders have kind of caught up to our newly found underwear hero and he’s pushed wide, cuts back, cuts back again and (have I used shimmy before?) bingo. He was manhandled all the way from halfway line to goal and still stayed on his feet, and people accuse him of diving……….yep, yep, yep.
Genius.
N…E…X…T, neeeext, ……..youtube The Sensational Alex Harvey Band.
And next – nothing to do with an Army Hoorehouse, gift of the army free of cost but …………Phil is put through with a long ball over the top – and…I…swear upon the wet head of my first case of gonorrhea, I loved this finish. Nothing tricky or fancy – took it from the half way line, saw what the keeper was doing and just stroked it early – still 25 yards out – bam! As smooth and silky as Peach John knickers. And just as smelly and sweaty.
Takuma was running the line – I turned to him to tell him to warm up and missed the first hat-trick of the day. Apparently – keeper fumbled a pass back and Shosuke nipped in and dispossessed (ahhh THAT novel!) – garlic bag.
‘And there’s more’ as that singularly annoying Irish comedian, Jimmy Cricket, used to say.
Beautiful ball over the top by Sho and Phil is through vs keeper…gets there just in front and powers a header from 25 yards out. Yes, I did say header, not shot..
Been telling him for the last 15 minutes that he’s going to get his hat-trick and he’s listening. Ball in from the left and in truth it is a defender’s ball – Phil just muscles through from a yard out and makes it his. Scores from that yard out – lands up in the net. Very sore. 7-0 now. This was the least technically brilliant goal of the day (that has already gone to Muzzy) but my favourite because it was the opposite of everything that has gone wrong the last two games – hunger.
Still time to sub Phil and stick Muzzy back on – didn’t quite make the hat-trick but had a smart finish from around 16 yards – right foot to the keeper’s left.
Graham was bored shitless but it is an almost forgotten fact that at 1-0 down he pulled off an absolutely fundamentally superb save – Stoneds had knife through buttered the defence and shot, Graham dived fully extended and pushed away left handed, with a satisfyingly animalistic grunt. These can also be the moments games foondube upon. (yes, ok I just made that word up). Yuko was impressed and things can’t get better than that really.
Roll call is almost nonsensical. Everyone played well.
Graham – see last paragraph. Tom powered as usual but added a bit of sense to his game today (smart lay offs and awareness of what was going on around him). He used his razor sharp logic to point out, in the face of gentle ribbing, that he isn’t paid to score goals. Can’t argue with that because he isn’t paid.
I would also like to be gently ribbed tonight but we’ll see how she is feeling.
Takuma and Masahiro as full backs were different in style but both monumental (weird adjective to use for these guys but I’ll stick with it). Masa was plain solid and we like that – Takuma was a threat and Pabs covered brilliantly on the many occasions Takuma moved forward. Mark repeated last week – the difference this time being the rest of the team followed. Chris was inventive and controlled – in Germany he might be known as the ‘Flickmeister’ – best game yet in a Vags shirt. Both Pabs and Chris also dealt well with a hangover, unlike Lyndsey who, after a pre match, sideline, up-chuck, managed to get rid of the shakes, but is finding the all nighters more and more difficult to shake off on match day. Home to bed at 3:00pm. Sean came on at half time and was strong in the tackle but also put a couple of great balls through to aid the cause. Ged and Steve’s contribution shouldn’t be underestimated and Stoneds were a genuine threat until around the hour mark. Roy was also as solid as a piece of really solid dried fish. Didn’t jump in and held the shape well – good debut. The front 3 got 8 between them and have been mentioned enough in this report but Shosuke has to take man of the match. We take for granted his immaculate control and the way he can just leave good, good defenders for dead. Joy to watch him play today. Really.
Right, before I finish I still want to do 2 things.
Firstly I’d like to use obsequious in a match report because it is another lovely word. Done.
Secondly, abuse the match report medium for a rant, because I find a sustained blast at the AGM once a year isn’t really enough.
I’d be staggered if any Stoned is reading this but if you are please take note.
The ref was good enough throughout and let the game flow but I sometimes feel there is an anti European bias in terms of the league, or TML choose to squint things the way they see it. We never get any feedback about what is really said in the refs meetings so I can only speculate. But quite frankly, if Ged is getting booked for a fairly innocuous late challenge and at least 5 times there is fundamentally outrageous shirt pulling – 4 of which would be automatic yellow card by FIFA rules and one of which was a straight red then I can only conclude that TML doesn’t see shirt pulling as that bad and the refs have been told not to bother with FIFA rules on this offense. I’d like to stress that I am not talking about the ref in this game in particular, but rather a trend noticed over the last few seasons. The bias I was talking about is that when we play the Real Celts, YCAC 2nds, British Embassy etc this really doesn’t happen – when we play the Dutch (who are Japanese) and Stoneds it is rife. El Diego last season were also very persistent offenders. I want to complain about this after a good result because I can’t be accused of fundamental sour grapes. Suffice to say I feel shirt pulling is getting worse and want a crackdown. Brits / Europeans speak their mind to the ref and encourage easy to give yellow cards? But let’s ignore the disgusting systematic cheating of shirt pulling because that is easy to do? And they don’t talk back and that is ok? I think we (Europeans) are therefore at a disadvantage and subject to refs not following the rules of football.
Whew – god that felt good! Therapy over for this report at least.
In some ways the best thing about this game that could be said, if you were of such a disposition, or disposed or even dispossessed, was the fact that Vags dominated the opening 15 even before it went pear shaped for the Stoneds. The application at that time made things progress naturally when we got the upper hand.
Great performance.
*This sounds high brow but translated directly from Greek it means ‘talking shit’. And, for once, I am not talking shit.
Lovely jubbly.
RS